I thought I was slowly going down.
Who knew I was going up?
Karl took me back. He was there for me.
Me and him have been dating for almost a month now.
I love him more than life <3.
I take this as another lesson learned.
Another wisdom.
You may think you have nothing to live for
and your entire world is crashing down
but when that happens
something worth living for will come around
and you’ll wonder
“How was I so miserable?”
I don’t talk to Marcus. He is nothing to me.
Hello new life
Hello new boyfriend
Hello perfection
I have been waiting for you
<3 <3 <3
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

I thought I could never get as sad as I did this summer, when Marcus was dating my friend.
Never thought I would be so close to giving up as I did a couple summers ago when Josh was dating a different friend.
Never thought I would want to bad to disappear, to vanish, to simply not exist, as I did when I was 6 and was struck with my first tragedy.
Yet here I am.
Just as sad. Just as given up. Just as wishing I could disappear as ever before.
No. Marcus didn’t break up with me.
He just started a rumor that I’m into girls, so I would break up with him.
Yeah. Nice guy huh?
As untrue as that is, I can only guess it came from the fact I once mentioned that I had been hit on by bisexual girls.
Marcus ruined my life.
I ruined my life.
I trusted him. I let him back. I cut ties with Karl, a super nice guy who I actually fell for for HIM.
The guy who broke me heart over and over, left me a crying shaking mass that is so screwed up inside that nothing could ever repair them.
Oh sure, I handled the rumor. I broke up with him. I finished it off. But people will still talk. I will still have to deal with it. Marcus dragged me into a life of hell, and I went unknowing with him.
I don’t know what to do.
I have lost everything. Everything I have tried for, worked for, because I had to have a cruel jerk.
I cannot even sign off with hugs and kisses. I feel like a worn out rag doll.
Nor can I call myself wise, for I betrayed everything to be with him and got screwed over so I wasn’t wise.
So I guess right now I am just another troubled teen.
Struggling with boys,depression,rumors, and my past.
Hope everyone reading this never makes my mistake.

This new years, I had a new years party. Of course I invited Marcus,a couple of my friends, another ex, and one of my friends boyfriends.
I had decided that I wanted to be dating not Marcus, but the other ex (whos fake name I cannot recall but I know hes in here somewhere).
During the party, we sat and watched a not so scary “scary” movie. Now Marcus had been making bids at me and I was letting him hold my hand but I was still more focused upon my other ex.
Until Marcus kissed me.
Then I wasn’t so focused.
Let me explain the title before I get into what happened for the rest of the night.
My weakness for Marcus knows no bounds. Unfortunately, when I just get over him, when I’m through mourning the loss of something as great as love, he came back.
And unlike my first love, where when he came back it didn’t work out, with Marcus it DEFINABLY works out.
So after he kissed me I tried to regain some composure, tried to refocus back on the other guy.
I kissed the other guy.
Still…it was terrible because after that kiss it was like I didn’t want to kiss anyone else.
Which was really REALLY bad.
By the end of the night, I had made out with Marcus not once but alot more. To much to count. And I was upset because in my mind he didn’t love me. And I didn’t want to scare him away by admitting my feelings for him came back full force.
It was scary. Incredibly scary to know that one kiss altered so much.
Now, everyone except for my other ex was spending the night. Don’t worry, guys downstairs and girls upstairs.
But we watched movies till late. Or rather my one friend that didn’t have a guy watched movies.
I would of if he hadn’t been distracting me.
I kept pulling away because I didn’t want to fall for Marcus, I didn’t want to feel it again, JUST WHEN I got over him. Just when I had moved on.
Marcus told me he loved me.
And I wasn’t going to lie…I said I loved him back.
He said he wasn’t going to leave me again, wasn’t going to hurt me again. It was such a Bella-Edward moment where he was saying “I want to only leave if you tell me to go”
And I kept wanting to believe him. But even as I write this, I’m still terribly afraid of being left.
Just not afraid enough to leave.
The next day, I was even more adamant about resisting. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I wouldn’t tell him.
I really wanted to date him. I wasn’t going to let this kissing continue if I wasn’t going to date him. It isn’t right.
I eventually told him that.
He kept trying to explain to me why he couldn’t or wouldn’t date me.
In my mind I was thinking “I should of known he couldn’t care about anyone but himself”
I got away from him and just thought to myself “Damn it I was over him. I was done. Why did he have to kiss me? To remind me of what I used to feel and now feels again?”
Well it wasn’t as poetic as that when I was thinking but thats the basic idea.
He kept calling and txting me, telling me to come back into the room and talk to him.
I had no idea what was to talk about. I eventually just grabbed my ipod and went back in there, avoiding him as best as possible. He stayed away for awhile but then my friend and her boyfriend started kissing again so he came over and kept trying to talk to me.
I have never cried in front of Marcus.
Damn I was so close to. I would fake choke him, and end up in a hug. I would high 5 him and end up holding his hand. I would sit down next to him and he would pull me in his lap.
I told him he needed to stop. That I needed to get over him. And he wasn’t helping me any.
We got into this conversation, and by the end of it he was saying “I want you to be my girlfriend, but my family and friends will give me hell. Can we date and not tell them?”
I refused at first but he was saying “Will you please be my girlfriend?” and well…
I caved.
My hugest weakness wins out again.
This is his last freaking chance. My ex best friend has a boyfriend, and my friends aren’t mad at me for dating him so theres no one really stopping us. His last chance to not break my heart, to not cheat on me, to be a good boyfriend instead of the messed up one he has been.
Now, there is that part of him, and I’m not sure whether that part is him just trying to get in your pants or if he actually means it but that part is sweet and nice and is just a guy who has been through alot and done alot of stuff he regrets.
Which is alot like me.
But even though I love him, I am afraid. Even though he says all the things I have been dieing to hear, I don’t know if he means them.
So I don’t have much of a wisdom…I am betraying everything I have said, all the effort I have put forward by being with him.
And damn I am perfectly fine with that.
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

P.S. Other exes name is Cody

I thought that when I got over Marcus
I would be happy, joyous even, but instead I am mourning the loss of my love for him, even though he never loved me back.
My love for him was so pure and unselfish that if you feel it then lose it, you almost want it back because it was a feeling that filled you up, made you happy, reminded you that you have something to care about.
That you have something to live for.
Marcus is a jerk. A selfish jerk, who is only concerned for his needs. Its taken me so long to realize that the sweet Marcus never was the true Marcus. The true Marcus is a guy who is after fun, nothing serious, nothing with any emotional attachment.
And I feel incredibly sorry for him.
Sure we are young, but the need for someone else is still developed into most people. And when you don’t need someone else to be there for you, to help you through the rough times, you are surely in a lonely exsistence.
Sure it is one where only you, can hurt you
but i can’t picture myself without my close friends,family,and the guy I am in love with.
And I am in love with a guy, who has been mentioned before in my blog
But I don’t even want to type his fake name, let alone his real name.
I fell in love with a guy who one of my friends is desperatly in love with.
I fell in love with a guy who could ruin all progress I have made in my school.
I fell in love with a guy who loves me back, cares about me, waits for me, and thinks I’m to good for him.
If only he knew the real reason I won’t date him is because I am entirely worried about me reputation.
Its not that I’m super popular and he could drag me down low
Its that people would look at me like “wtf are you thinking?” and I may lose some friends.
Wisdom? Be careful who you fall in love with.
I fell in love with a jerk
Now I have fallen for a guy I’m afraid I will never date.
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

Do I regret what I said, now that its over? Now that we don’t even talk?
The only regret I make is I must of not said enough to keep him. Or I said to much and scared him away.
My only great is losing and having to give up on something that was MY LIFE. He was MY LIFE. I lived for his txts and the way we could talk.
Now we can’t hardly talk at all.
I miss the way I would sometimes catch him looking at me, and the way he would txt me EVERY DAY because I was his best friend. I didn’t have to date him, though I deeply preferred it, I just wanted his hapiness.
To the point where I helped his relationship instead of destroying it.
I still lost my best friend in the end.
I needed to get over him. And sometimes right when I feel like I’M DONE, I remember the good times. The talks, the trust, the support, the compliments, the kiss, the jealous look that would come over his face when he would see me in the arms of another guy.
I don’t get any of that anymore.
Sure there are other fish in the sea.
But what if he was the only fish for me?
I sort of doubt it now.
Only if he wanted to make it work, would it work.
Even then our old connection might NEVER rise from the ashes of our friendship. And the passion I felt for him dims each going day…and I almost miss it. I miss that feeling. I miss that love. Maybe I don’t miss him anymore, but I miss the LOVE. The beautiful love that I wanted to wrap myself in because it was all I have ever wanted in my life.
It really sucks I felt it for the guy that didn’t want to be my prince charming.
But life goes on.
I don’t have many regrets…it seems that every bad thing I go through makes me stronger.
Though I am currently weak from my battle against myself, or rather my love for Marcus (who I have been talking about this whole time in case nobody got that lol)
Wisdom? “Live life with little regrets”
The thing you regret now, could be the thing you thank god happened in a few years
Maybe a few months
Maybe a few weeks
Heck, maybe a few days.
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

Life is going good.
Of course, I am still in love with Marcus…
but I swear that only makes me happier.
I have made up my mind to be friends with him and see where the friendship goes…
I doubt it will go any where but you never know.
Old connections die hard I’ve noticed
This is a super short little blog but I just wanted to say that I am happy.
Lets see how long it will last right?
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

Seems like I am always posting depressing blogs.
So I decided to tell you about the good day I am having.
Even though I am in a fight with one of my friends and Marcus talked to me…. I am actually kind of happy
I think I can be friends with Marcus. For the most part I feel…moved on.
Alot of my exes seem to like me.
Cody and a couple of older guys.
Today has been a pretty fun day.
Talking to the guy I think I love….the first to truly LOVE after Marcus.
And its not Marcus’s cousin or Cody.
Its the guy I broke up with because I was so confused about what I wanted.
I shouldn’t of broken up with him.
I may try to get back with him….undecided.
I am not always living the tortured life I post on here.
I have many friends and ideas and alot of people consider me to be “care free”
Which is why I display what I truly feel on here alot.
It appears to be the only way I can truly express myself without fear of judgement.
Of course I’m sure all those who read my blog judge.
But so far I have only had supporting comments.
I may send this blog to the friend thats not talking to me.
She isn’t talking to me because I had a “Marcus Relapse” as I call it.
There was a dance friday in which when I looked into his eyes I saw all I wanted and more.
Then later on I txted him and it turned out to be awkward conversation consisting of us talking about the person he truly loves, my ex best friend (not the one I am in a fight with)
So yeah not so much caring anymore.
I opened up to someone again today.
Of course, I feel like the only time I truly open up in on here.
It seems I have this distrust of guys to understand what I have gone through, considering only two trusted guy friends know my secrets.
And now a new person does.
Of course, I have some secrets of hers so if she blabs mine, i blab hers lol.
SO in conclusion just wanted to show you I am NOT always emo and I have good days as well as bad.
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

Seems like I have alot of decisions to make.
All my life the one thing that has kept me going is looking for love.
Seriously since I was 5 thats all I ever wanted.
A guy to sweep me off my feet and thinks only good of me and loves my flaws and loves every single part of me.
And yeah I am waaaaaaaay to young to be looking for a guy like that.
But can’t I get close?
Can’t I have a nice relationship instead of the crappy one’s I always end up in?
A guy who gets me is all I want.
I am single.
I enjoy being single, flirting with different guys.
But I get this feeling that…the guy for me is so close by and I just can’t get him.
I keep looking. It’s all that has kept me going.
If I ever stop looking I would lose everything I have ever strived for.
All I want is love.
Isn’t that sad?
I would trade a lot to find a guy that gets me.
A LOT.
I am way to young, I will find him in the future, etc.
Thats what people always tell me.
But can’t I find a relationship that will at least last a year RIGHT NOW?
I can’t STOP looking.
I can’t GIVE up.
If people had gone through what I’ve gone through…theres alot of stuff I just won’t put on the web about me.
And that stuff would cause most people to have given up a LOOONG time ago.
I guess my wisdom is “Don’t give up…” with a few exceptions.
Like if the guy cheated on you GIVE UP ON HIM.

xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

I hate waking up from a good dream. You wake up and you go “NOOOO just as it was getting good!” and you try to fall back asleep. Sometimes you manage to suceed and slip back into the perfect dream as if you never woke up. Other times your already awake and all you can do is sit back and wonder why you HAD to wake up. Sometimes you slip into sleep, but into another dream. But you always wake up.
I keep slipping into the dream of Marcus, of him loving me but then…I will wake up. He won’t txt back. He won’t ever care.
It hurts. To be unloved. I am even in a relationship and yet I feel so utterly alone it kills me. Where is that connection? Where is the passion? I miss the romance,the passion,the love,the flirting. But then again with all that came the cheating, the lieing, and the ending resolution of realizing he never even cared to begin with. People like that exsist. Who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves.
I started out this blog generally happy, but as the time goes by I feel myself slowly slipping. I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this. Sometimes I just don’t even want to be around people. I am 14 and clinically depressed. I don’t have a wisdom today. I only have my sorrow, which is unfortunate.
I had to get this out on something, which is the only reason I blogged about it.
Sorry people,
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen

Where did I go? Where am I? WHO am I?
Am I myself? I don’t think so. Deep down inside I am not who I act.
I am kind,sweet,caring,emotional, and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
That is the true me.
Why don’t I be myself?
I kept getting hurt.
Deep down inside I want to be loved and taken care of. I don’t want to guard my heart and cover my pain with lame jokes.
Its not that I don’t agree with joking. I love to laugh. But I am no longer serious. I no longer strive. I no longer push for someone. I have given up. I have let go. And I didn’t want to.
I am broken. I was so strong. I could handle it. I feel weaker being independant. To rely on people is stronger than to rely on yourself. To rely on people you have to TRUST people. Trusting is harder than you think.
I trusted. I got my heart broken.
to be so young and to have lost so much more than I will ever care to admit is such a hard thing to deal with. Yet if i go back and change what happened I would lose the good times with the bad. And the good times make the bad worth it.
Where did I go?
I retreated inside my core and hid away from the world who I truly am.
Where am I?
Trapped inside my own sorrow and self pity being pathetic.
Who am I?
I am me.
Take wisdom in the words “To rely on people is to trust, and to trust is hard.”
xxxooo,
Wisdom Teen